--------- | L I F E | --------- A powergamer guide to.... -------------------------- FAQ Author : Mickmils Contact : mickmils@gmail.com Day Started : 06/03/07 Version : 1.0 NOTE : This FAQ is only to be seen everywhere, and NOT in self-improvement booklets because we all know those only spread rumours to lead you wrong and steal your money. NOTE : You can't ressurect Elvis. STOP ASKING ME THIS ALREADY !!! NOTE : When there is a will, there is a way. If you fail at something, try harder. NOTE : I claim no responsability if you screw up your game following my advices. NOTE : If you see glitches in your game, or something doesn't behave normally, get a doctor or call the cops. Do not abuse this feature, it can be considered CHEATING. Table of Contents 1 - Introduction 1.0 The Author 1.1 What is Life ? 1.2 Where to buy 1.3 Requirements 1.4 Installation 1.5 Bugs 2 - Getting Started 2.1 Character Creation 2.2 About your gender 2.3 Where to be born. 2.4 About winning and losing 2.5 About saving & reloading 2.6 About NPCs 2.7 Interaction 2.8 Money 2.9 Sex 3 - Walkthrough 4 - Extra Tips 5 - Rumours ======================================================================= 1 - INTRODUCTION ======================================================================= 1.0 The Author -------------- Hi ! My name is Michael Mils, and so far I'm a 23 years old unemployed single who's currently in love with Life. Life has been my occupation since as long as I can remember ! In fact, it gave me a few problems with former employers who wanted me to work extra hours and to which I replied "Hey, no way, I need to get on my with Life". I mean, a man should get his priorities straight ! I don't know how long I'm still going to play this game. Maybe one day I'll get a a real job, a wife, kids, and I'll have to stop and become a zombie at the service of society and to mankind's survival. But right now, I intend to play until I see the end of it. Whenever it comes ! Since everyone gets a personalized ending anyway, I can't wait for the final, total shock that will probably make me go "OH SH--" and crap my pants one final time before I unplug ! Or get unplugged, that is. My leisures involve being bored and making fun of people. But you know that already. I love eating kebabs, among other things, and my favorite color is red. I have a car. 1.1 What is Life ? ------------------ Come on ! You know what it is ! Why else would you be reading this document otherwise ? Face it, you know what it is already, and this whole section of this FAQ is absolultely without a point. Yet, since FAQs are ranked by their number of kilobytes on sites such as Gamefaqs and stuff, it feels mandatory for me to explain (in lengthy, superficious details) the purpose of this game you're reading a FAQ about, and pretend you're a sad lonely bastard that wastes time reading FAQ for games you actually haven't heard about. This kind of activity, actually, proves you never got the point of the game. In other words, if you're reading this, you seriously need to... keep on reading. Life is the new hip thing. Everybody keeps talking about it. Play WOW and someone mentions an "IRL (In Real Life!) meeting.". Post on a forum and someone will eventually tell you "Dude, get a Life !", emphasizing on how great this stuff is. You will discover more about Life in this FAQ. But if I had to sum it up quickly, I'll just say that Life is a massively multiplayer game, in which you go around with, apparently, no set or definite goal and in which you can, also apparently, do absolutely anything you want. The keyword here, is "apparently", because it's a game with a twist ! Indeed, very early you'll find out that not all is at it seems, and you must "follow your own way". Soon, you'll find out that what appears to be massively multiplayer is just a big solo game where you need to care only about one thing : YOURSELF ! Not everyone is your opponent though, and you'll meet several NPCs which, if done right, can help you achieve your goals. Goals in life are absolutely random. You won't have a lot of control about your quests and assignments : you'll be a computer geek, a civil servant, a Don Juan, or a complete asshole. If you're lucky, you get to be all of that. If you're unlucky, you'll get to be Dull. Which sucks, because there ain't much to do in that case. No one choses to be dull. Believe me. Some will say by working hard and being lucky, you can actually get out of that condition and have fun with the game, but really, it's most often not worth the effort. If you are Dull, it's just better to go kill yourself and try to start over. If you can. A sequel called "Second Life" is out, but it seriously sucks, lacks optimization, and has no point since "First Life" is far from over yet. Or maybe it is, but you aren't allowed to know. Who cares anyway, and why bother making a sequel if it's worse than the first one ? I guess the Designers are really into marketing these days. Speaking of Designers, it is currently unknown who developped and still publishes the game. It's just a matter of curiousity, since no one cares where the servers are 'cause there isn't really any lag. Yet, lots of people bothered enough to investigate on the issue, which sadly degenerated into many arguments not only on web boards, but also in the game itself with people killing each others depending on whom designer/publisher they support. It's a bit stupid, since further investigations show that no one really proved their designers actually exist. Some people think no one designed the game, which doesn't make sense. Until you really play the game, that is, then it becomes a seriously plausible theory. 1.2 Where to buy ---------------- The best thing about Life, is that it's free. Linus Torvalds once said, "Software is like sex, it's better when it's free.". Well, Life is better then. Life also has sex, but it can be tricky to get without a guide. I'll get on to it later. The guide, that is. As a matter of fact, not only is Life free, but you also probably have one hiding somewhere. More and more people are unaware of this these days though, so before you try anything, try asking yourself those simples questions. -Do you breath ? -Do you sometimes, unexplainably, have to get some liquid/organic stuff out of your body ? -Do you eat ? Stuff like chicken, etc ? -Do you enjoy looking at nude people and masturbating ? -Can you read this FAQ ? If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is likely you have a life. As a matter of fact, I'd find it very worrying that you didn't say yes to any of the questions. If you did, check with a doctor and, if all else fails, a crematorium. If you don't have a life, then you're screwed. My condoleances. 1.3 Requirements ---------------- Very surprisingly, the world-realistic graphics, physics, and sounds of Life do not require a lot of processing power to be enjoyed. Most often, a common human brain is enough to enjoy it. I even saw some people play it with a broken one. Though the brain is the most important part, you can decently get around if yours sucks, and enjoy some very basic activites like walking, breathing, drinking, eating, and being a cop. If your character is female, do not worry if everything seems unenjoyable, slow, painful, and nothing goes on as you like. Bitching is part of your character. You are welcome to use any forum you find or contacts on MSN as an outlet, but it's unlikely the designers will hear you. That's part of the problem with that game you see. It is VERY SELDOMLY patched. But then, you don't really need broadband. Or do you ? Life also requires Money. Don't worry though, most of it shall be acquired ingame, though starting the game with some helps. Contrary to MSN, if people ask for your credit card, you MIGHT consider showing it to them. Knowing when you should or when you shouldn't is tricky for some, but hey, it's part of the game. 1.4 Installation ---------------- Installing life is a very boring experiment. I don't remember all the details, since it's been a while, but I think it involves 9 months of waiting. I know, it sucks, but wait until I tell you how you uninstall. I'd gladly tell you to have a walk out during the process, or enjoy some coffee, but sadly, you'll soon find out that you can't. Prepare for a whole 9 months of boredom before you actually get to enjoy anything. If your parents are junkies and irresponsible though (especially your mom, ESPECIALLY if she's a teen), you might get high a couple of times depending on the (absolutely random) substances you'll get in your blood. Though very fun, it often comes with drawbacks much later. Enjoy while you can. Once you get to see the funny lights, just scream to let everyone know a new player has entered the game. 1.5 Bugs -------- The game is mostly flawless, which forgives a bit the lack of patching and developper support. It doesn't prevent, however, most people to bitch about things being wrong. If you have the feeling the game treats you unfairly, or something is happening, please consider the following issues. -You're mental/unlucky (one goes with the other) -You're doing something wrong. -You're taking it the wrong way. As the MP3 says, you should always look on the bright side of Life. When in doubt, if you're seeing graphical glitches for example (flying people messed up textures), or stop having sound, or can't move around the gameworld without having to stop every 30 seconds to rest, you might consider checking a doctor ingame. It is also very possible that, since Life is a very complex game, it is an absolutely normal situation. You might also enquire another kind of bug, you dirty you. If so, shower more. ======================================================================= 2 - GETTING STARTED ======================================================================= 2.1 Character Creation ---------------------- Life is not your common game. You don't get to choose your character, in fact, it appears someone choses it for you. That or it's completely random. It's a bit unknown what comes into account really. There are big debats about genetics and stuff and how everything truly works, but really, that won't matter much once you've started the game. You'll have to work on with your character, and try to achieve what you want with it. Or achieve nothing, if you're Dull. But whatever, if you end up being disabled, I hope you like a challenge. Traits that matter are numerous, and can't be explained totally in this FAQ, so I'll just tackle with the major ones and a couple of their implications. STRENGTH : Strength impacts on how hard you hit, and how much you carry. Building up is also a success with girls, since really, really, despite what all of the ingame hints around say, they don't care much about your brain or sensitivity. If you are a girl, you might as well give up on strength, for your looks. Just ask/sweet talk/ sleep with any random guy when you're unable to pick up/do something because of your strength. That won't work if you're ugly though. On the other hand, if you're ugly, you might as well be fat, because who's gonna care ? INTELLIGENCE : Another way overrated feature. Think about it just for a couple of seconds : if it's so great to be intelligent, then why are so many people dumb ? It's simply not worth it. Like strength, Intelligence requires daily practice. Some say the use of other games like Brain Training, but really, it doesn't. Getting smarter involve thinking a lot and reading lots of books. Frankly, you don't want to do that. There's a reason they stopped providing games with lengthy manuals. Reading simply is not fun. BEAUTY : The only skill that matters. If you're a girl, being a hottie will get you anywhere. Just do a cute smile and sleep with whatever refuses to cooperate (at first) to get what you want. If you're a guy, it might work, sometime. Or not. But at least that'll get you surrounded by hotties, which, if done wright, will also do your bidding. Anyway, as you saw on TV, there's no room for ugly people. So really, you have no choice. Even if you don't want to be on TV. The rest is just superficial, really. If you're a guy, do NOT fall into the tempting scams of trying to increase your penis size. Really. Not only that's likely not to work, but besides, it's just about the bragging. No one will bother to check. And when someone will want to check, it'll be too late for her/him (depends on your flavour) to decently try to get away. 2.2 About your gender --------------------- In most games, there is no great difference between playing a girl or a guy. Just, at most, different love interests and a couple of lines dialogs. Well, not only you get these in Life (although, girls are a special case in terms of love interest choices, but we'll get to it later), but basically, it's a complete different game. Sadly, as you know, the game choses for you. And since there is no stat screen, it can be sometimes tricky to find out what gender you are. I could give you some hints of course, but you'll find out that finding out yourself is actually one of the most funny ingame experience you'll ever have. So I'm not going to spoil it for you ;) Genders are (usually) of two kinds : male/female . However, you'll soon find out that some NPCs are actually both, or managed to exploit the game so as to change their initial gender. Though definitely not planned by the developpers, THIS IS NOT A HACK !!! You can do it too through the use of proper items and talking to the right people. I'm not sure why you would want to do this though, since a lot of people will refuse to play with you if you do. Some confusion can sometimes arise : some people will claim that they are actually female trapped inside a male avatar. Rumours of such people are spreading around fast these days, and it is still hard to say if such a bug exists. If you happen to be stuck with that kind of character, think Ultima Online : crossdressing is not only an option, it is strongly encouraged. Here are the things that will change according to your gender MALE ---- Let's get done quickly with the good points : no one will blame you if you like beer, sports, and have some (not a lot though) unneeded weight. You also get to be paid more and somehow, if the need arises, on the combat field you tend (not always) to be better : people trust you more with guns, and you can hit harder, which is a very useful trait when it comes to dealing with girls. The harder you hit, the more cooperative they are. But don't get caught ! The rest just sucks though. If it's wartime, you're the ones who'll be sent to die first. Actually, even if it's not war, you'll still end up living shorter. You also can't count on your looks and on sleeping with people to get what you want, most of the time. You're also, most of the time, a complete idiot. Hopefully, that won't matter much when you're around guys. You can hide the fact you're an idiot to girls by having a huge car, and nodding to girls when they talk to you (you don't have to listen). That usually works. FEMALE ------ Being female is, like, you know, being a bit like male, really, but, you know, males are all pig. I mean, have I told you about Steve ? I mean, come on, he tried to sleep with me last time, I mean, I know him only for 3 days, I mean, I need time, you see what I mean ? I mean, just because I'm sexy doesn't mean I don't have feelings. People just look at me like I'm so kind of neat toy , or something, but just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I can't think. I mean, you know, like ? And the jokes ! Guy jokes are so crude and gross, I mean, each time, like, I'm in a bad mood, they joke about PMS and things, I mean, hey, what do they know ? This is the kind of character you want to play. Being a female gets you all kind of bonus : not being killed in wartime (you can get out of it with just a good rape, at worse), guys doing whatever you want (like in any MMO). Also, being female doesn't mean you need to restrict yourself to male love interests. If you search, deep inside, your true feelings, you'll find out that you are, like all female, bisexual. That means you can get it on with both males and females. I recommend the further. And taking screenshots. And videos. And uploading them everywhere. This possibility of course also exists for guys, but half the time, it's a pain in the ass. 2.3 Where to be born -------------------- This section of the FAQ is likely to cause a bit of uproar. So let met first admit that, as an European, I'm completely biased. Once again, this is all perfectly random. Once you have found out about your surroundings, here is what you can expect depending on the location you are. EUROPE : Definitely the best place to start with. You're given free money when it sucks financially, and the continent is fairly spared from wars and terrorism these days. It might be a bit harder to get a job, but if you try hard, in the long run, it should be no problem. Technology available is about the same as in America, except of course you'll have to pay more, since the economy is a bit screwed up right now. A major drawback is that it's sometimes hard to communicate with players from other regions. Especially the French. The rich history is however interesting to study. AMERICA : Depends on WHERE on America you are born, things vary greatly. You can be either filthy rich, or filthy poor. If you are poor though, you're likely to have easy access to guns and steal from rich people. Try avoid getting sent to Iraq whatever they promise you. Gas is cheaper there. People born in the USA often suffer from an awful bug in which the rest of the world appears greatly distorted and all your world maps are wrong, some locating Iraq in the middle of France, or Israel in Québec. (Peaceful) exploration is the key to circumvent those disadvantages, but few players really bother. AFRICA : Oooooh man ! It sucks ! You're in for a tough time, which is good if you like a challenge. Random things that can happen are being shot by an 8 years old kid, dying from starvation or sickness that aren't supposed to be around anymore, or dying from sleeping with the wrong woman/man (which is about half of them in some parts) thanks to AIDS. DO NOT TRUST THE RUMOURS WHICH SAY YOU WON'T GET IT IF YOU SHOWER RIGHT AFTER! You're probably in for a reroll before you reach 30 anyway. Unless, of course, you happen to be a white South African. ASIA : Depending where you are, the technology varies. The communication interface however, is exageretly complicated. It's however sometimes interesting from a cultural and exploration point of view. You're likely to be smaller and have a weird sense of humor, especially if you are japanese. In that case, you'll get tons of video games before the rest of the world, listen to funny weird J-Pop musics, and watch TV shows that make no sense at all. MIDDLE EAST : PvP all the way ! "Slaughter the infidels" is a very popular game mode that is hardly played in other regions, but the most fun if you are looking for some action. Unfortunately, if you aren't into this, that doesn't mean you won't get bombed or killed for a funny reason. Once again, very interesting from a cultural point of view, but I won't even bother checking about it because, well, it's damn too hot. RUSSIA : Damn too cold. AUSTRALIA : So far, the only thing in Australias are NPCs, which don't really exist. Don't mind'em. Maybe in an expansion ? 2.4 About winning & losing -------------------------- As mentioned in 1.1 , winning and losing is very subjective in life. If I was nitpicking, actually, I'd say that whatever you do, you end up losing. But according to most people, if you have fun while playing, you won. Some have other serious objectives, like making a lot of money, doing as much girls as possible, breaking stupid records, appear on Jackass! or making the Third Reich and killing millions of jews. Some of this stuff do NOT make you popular. Pick your objectives carefully, just because it's fun doesn't mean it's okay to do. So to sum up , set your own goals carefully, and try to achieve them. You can also be careless and play without goals. I suggest buying a TV, a computer, and World of Warcraft if you want to be that kind of character. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that, despite what people will tell you. There's much more to Life than life. 2.5 About saving & reloading ---------------------------- You can't. And death is permanent. Does that need further explanations ? Be careful when you cross the road. Or the wrong guy. 2.6 About NPCs -------------- Somme will go into details about how "other people are people too", and there are no such things as NPCs in the game world. This kind of strategy, relying on morals, ethics, and other crap won't get you anywhere. You know what NPCs are from playing other game. Obviously, if you just look at the people surrounding you'll notice they run on a very limited AI and are thus NPCs. And even if they aren't, it's better to pretend they are, because you're about to give them a hell of a time ! NPCs can be broken down into a few categories. Most of them won't mind when reading this FAQ (LIFE is the only game that can read its own walkthrough), but some might complain that you know, you shouldn't do that, it's unethically correct. But then, they're just NPCs, so who cares ? Here a couple of people you might encounter in life and a short description on how to deal with them. TEENS : Ignore them. Teens are annoying, but if you're an adult, they won't bother you. They live in their very little world where they think everything else than them sucks. They're usually stupid and tend to killthemselves accidently and willingly. This is fairly normal and not a bug. Every TV and self-help book mentions teenage years as being "very difficult" and home to a lot of suffering. If your characters happen to be a teen, just wait for the hormones to slow down. It usually sorts itself out. NORMAL PEOPLE : It's the kind of people that you meet on the street, and can't just have any opinion upon. Have you played GTA ? They're about the same kind : that is, they walk around, but they have no existence worth mentioning whatsoever. They just are window-dressing for your experience. Ignore them. OLD PEOPLE : Ignore them. Except of course if you want to get their gold, er, money. They're usually low on HP. GOTHS : Funny people in funny clothes. Often very hot in bed. There are actually more subcategories, like GOTHs, PEOPLE WHO LIKE SPORTS, JUNKIES, and UPPER CLASS, but it's better not to associate with them in any way. 2.7 Interaction ---------------- Interacting with people is often very annoying, as you will notice very quickly. There are different kind of interactions that will, of course, have different consequences. Interacting with people is also the most tricky thing to do. I'm not sure why it is so, but I find that most gamers have problems doing it correctly. When you've spent the last years hunting down mobs in dungeons and stuff, it's sometimes hard to get back to the basics. Then, of course, there is the question of WHY one would need to interact with people. WHY ? No one is quite certain about that. Well, everybody in Life will tell you about how you MUST do it, will make fun of you if you don't have friends. Others will act ashamed for their lack on interactional skills. But PLEASE, will someone tell me why it's such a big deal to deal with other people ? PLEASE ? And I know what I'm talking about, I'm writing a friggin' FAQ ! There's no real point. Jean-PAul Sartre, who attempted at writing an early FAQ for life concluded that "Hell is other people". Listen to the man. IF, for some reason, you STILL want to interact with people, or somehow you get FORCED into interacting (sometimes, people will try to talk to you for some weird unknowns reasons) here is how you can retaliate. -Violence : the quickest, and some would say, most efficient to interact with people. Violence gets you out of unwilled conversations quickly, or anything you want including (but not restricted to) : money, sex, or any unfair advantage you feel like gaining. Violence works better with weapons, but you played other games so you know. It's just like in these, really. -Talking back : Sometimes, your opponent errr, I mean, interlocuter is tougher than you. Sometimes, it's also a girl. In both cases, it'd be very unwise to use violence, since it could mean, in case of the tougher guy, a quick game over, and in case of the girl, well, let's just a girl with hematoms does worse sex. Talking back then seems like a good option. It doesn't matter what you say, as long as you get out of the conversation. Typical conversations go like this. -Hi ! -Do I know you ? -Hello ! -Errr.... -How'zit going ? -Fine and you ? -Fine too ! You know, I've been talking to my friend Sarah and... -I really gotta go now. -Sorry, I don't have any change. Some will try to engage the matter of POLITICS. This is a trap to trick you into VIOLENCE mode, so hit them before they do. Same if they try RELIGION. -Money : gets you anything you want. They say you can't buy anything, like, love, etc, but they're wrong, and everybody know it. On the matter of sex now... Sex is a nifty way of interacting with people. The hard part is to get to it. Sex is like one of these hidden stuff, greyed out options that some people will even deny it exists. I'm getting a lot of emails about sex, and "how it really exists", and "one day I managed to do it but I can't reproduce", I KNOW ! IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE THAT ! yeeeeshh... The 4th way of interacting, sex, is accessed thanks to the 3 other ways. Talking back takes a LOT of time, sometimes no results, and, as we mentioned, very annoying. Try suggesting an interesting amount of money and you'll get what you want. If that doesn't work, or you're broke, you might consider violence, but some would say it's illegal. Anyway, remember what I said about sex and hematoms. 2.8 Money ---------- Money comes and goes. Like in any game, it must be earned. Like any game, the ways of getting range from terribly fun to boring. Here are a few tips. -Prostitution : especially if you're female, it is an extremely effective way of getting the goods. The higher your beauty stat, the more effective this strategy is. To prostitute, do this : -Wear sexy clothes. -Wait. It'll happen. -Violence : see above. -Questing : Questing is very particular in Life. It (usually) doesn't involve slaying monsters or anyone else for that matter. It involves doing the same thing over and over again for no apparent reason whatsoever, and somehow, getting paid for it. This is very boring, and in some ways, similar to World of Warcraft. To find quests, here is what you must do : -Find job offer in newspaper or online -send e-mail application saying you want to join the guild, detail your nicknames, character history, lvl, and XP. Some very needed skills are "accountancy" "IT" and "Telling Nonsense With a Straight Face" (especially in the marketing sector). They are very unpopular, hard, and boring to get though. For some reason, it never worked for me (lefting me with other ways to get money), but you might be more lucky. If getting a job can be considered lucky. What to do with money ? Well sex, and booze. The rest you can waste. 2.9 Sex ------- Hmm. I'll write that part later. ======================================================================= 3 - WALKTHROUGH ======================================================================= For those of you who still can't figure things out, Life is pretty straightforward. You can get around doing mostly what you are told. For those who still can't figure what this is (what the hell?), this guide will help them. 3.1 - CHAPTER 1 : Infancy ------------------------- 3.1.1 First days Being born is easy. Wait until you are conceived. Wait some more. Wait. Wait again. Kick. Kick. Wait. Kick some more. Go out. Cry. For comedic relief, pee on the man with the scissors. Sleep. After a while (after the bit involving milk, a minigame will come up. Get used to it, you'll need to do it a countless amount of time. Minigame : feeding. Catch the food with your mouth, then swallow. So far it's easy since you don't have to handle how the food reaches your mouth (the AI takes care of it), it gets more complicated later. Remember to SWALLOW before taking on the next bit. If you mix up things, spit or puke, which is also great for comedic relief. Wait. Sleep. Eat. Wait. Sleep. Eat. When it goes dark CRY, then pee when mom arrives. When you are changed, CRY some more. Repeat. 3.1.2 Learning how to move around. As you guess, like in many games, Chapter 1 is a tutorial before you tackle with the most important things. Once your character got enough XP, you'll be able to CRAWL around, then STAND. When you do LAUGH, to tell your mom you're happy. She'll let you walk around some more and soon the house will be yours to explore. The low places that is. And not for too long. A good strategy for the lazy is not to walk, since you'll be moved to the place you need to go to. Being a lazy bastard works, but not too long, since it will be kinda awkward when you reach 15 and need people to help you to the toilet, with no medical reason whatsoever. You could try to get one of these, but it sucks, and hurts sometimes. Anyways, it's not really complicated. The key is balance. Once you've learnt not to try to move the two feet at the same time, it's rather easy. 3.1.3 That day when you meet other people. Since your brain lacks the vocabulary for "family reunion", this chapter is named a bit awkwardly. Sooner or later, your mom&dad will take you to a place with a lot of remote family members. You are still a bit limited on your actions, which are at the moment : laugh, cry, puke. You're left to guess which or which needs to be used according to circumstances. People expect you to laugh all the time, since you are a baby and you are "soooooooooo cute" (goddamit, all babies are cute) This bit of the tutorial is a bit pointless, since there are no consequences whatsoever. You're a friggin baby in society, whatever you do, you won't get the blame. So of course you'll have more fun puking on everyone. Enjoy while it lasts. Being a baby is about the most fun you'll have ever in your life. Then things start to suck cause you get into.... 3.2 - CHAPTER 2 : Childhood --------------------------- Serious stuff begins now. 3.2.1 : Preschool WAIT in line. FOLLOW People around. Say NAME to teacher. SIT. DRAW a HOUSE with PEOPLE on it. Color sun YELLOW. When the teacher tells a funny story LAUGH. Then, during the break, KICK the ball. Insult the FAT KID. Point at the GUY wearing PINK clothes. RUN away. Get back in class. SIT. Sing along with other pupil. INSULT the random people who try to steal your stuff. You're getting rather popular now ! Go OUTSIDE during break. Uh oh ! It's time to face the consequences and learn something new about gameplay ! ----------------------------------------------------------------- BOSS FIGHT ---------- 1x Fat Kid 1x Sexually ambiguous kid 1x Random jerk Uh oh ! Here's two lessons in one. First : it's a bad idea to insult random people if you're not ready to face the consequences. Insulting people like you did is BAD ! BAD ! BAD ! You shouldn't do it, You can't win this fight anyway, since it's your first one, and there's three of them, and, as you'll soon notice, the teacher doesn't care. Later, when you grow up, you'll be able to blame the educational system. ------------------------------------------------------------------ INSULT the other KIDS. CRY. Wait for MOM&DAD. WHINE. LIE on the cause of your injuries. Go to BED. Repeat, except avoid fights. 3.2.2 : Grammar School SIT next to the CUTE GIRL. WAIT. Learn to READ. WAIT. Learn to WRITE. Go outside for recreation. CHASE Cute girl. She escapes. Play SOCCER instead. SCORE GOAL. Then SCORE GIRL. BLAME people. Once you have done this, you actually have mastered all the essential skills in Life for the next 20 Years. Nothing else matters besides being good in sports (it gets you to college), and chasing girls (so that you don't get bored in college). It's also important to know how to BLAME people for no reason itsoever, which will serve you as a very early education to politics. GO HOME. Sit on SOFA. Do you HOMEWORK. Watch SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. Laugh. BEG to MOM&DAD for SPONGEBOB FIGURINE. Kiss Mom&Dad. BEG to MOM&DAD for SPONGEBOB VIDEOGAME. KISS Mom&DAD. BEG to MOM&DAD for SPONGEBOB CLOTHES. Kiss MOM&DAD. GO TO BED. Then GO TO SCHOOL. CHASE the GIRL from yesterday. Then GO HOME. SIT on SOFA. Watch POKEMON. BEG TO MOM&DAD. When she mentions SPONGEBOB, reply : "It's for kids.". CRY. Go to BED. Tomorrow, you will get your Pokemon. Play with POKEMON. GROW UP. 3.3 - CHAPTER 3 : Teenage years ------------------------------- Gameplay changes a bit there, you'll be given more freedom, so we will leave from the linear "do this" "do that". Instead, 1. About High School "Oh no ! I'm a teenager ! What do I do now ?" That part of Life is a bit strange really. Whatever you do, you WILL become a jerk. Or a slut, depending on your character (not your gender). Sadly, despite what I have been able to read on some walkthroughs and forums, it doesn't "go away" when you grow up. If you aren't careful, the zits will disappear, but the attitude will stay. It is a VERY difficult part of the game (the most, according to some experts), since from now on you will not only need to avoid the pedophil NPCs, but also to kill yourself or overdoses. You probably think suicide is wrong, but a lot of people actually decide to give up from the game at that part. Which is a bit stupid, because you'll do most your sex and win most of your money AFTER that part. WAIT in line. Repeat the things from Chapter 2, except this time, it's harder, because like, you don't care, I mean, man school is uselles, what the hell, who cares where Australia is, no one needs to know, what the hell, man, my parents suck. Oh yeah, and have you seen that whore over there ? There isn't really a simple walktthrough for teenage years. It's more of a state of the mind, and the things you will encounter vary greatly depending on what kind of character you are. At this moment, school is very important if you want to get money later. If you want to be (or to stay) a full fledged jerk, it's easy : just do whatever the other NPCs do. Try to see patterns, and try to think ahead of them. For exemple, if someone in your group of friends gets to beer drinking, try DRUGS. This will impress people positively. Try to avoid Detention. It's not what you think, you SM freak. 2. About Love Remember when you were chasing girls in Chapter 2 ? Well, this is a bit like it. Except it's more complicated. First, you need to keep in mind this formula whatever you are doing. Beauty X Intelligence X your_chance_of_scoring = constant value. I'm leaving you a couple of seconds to figure out all the implications. Knowing this You also need to know that there are three kind of girls. SLUTS: Sluts are easy to recognize. They're the only NPCs in Life that look like your basic videogame female character. MONEY works nice on them. Alas, the social reward for "having it your way" is near to none, since everybody did it before you did. SLUTS should be enjoyed for a short while before tackling on the serious stuff. NORMAL GIRLS : Beware. Just because they're normals doesn't mean they're easy. As a matter of fact, they're the hardest of the three. They act like "You know, I like a sensitive guy, like, a guy, like, who can understand me and... stuff.. I mean, you know ? I mean.." but what they really like is a jerk. If you're reading this, you should probably give up with them. You aren't on the level. A shame, cause there are real hotties among them. Also, keep in mind that all the good girls are, of course, already taken. INTELLECTUALS : They talk all the time and are most often ugly. It's best to avoid them. The reward is great if you find one hot and available though, since you'll be able to marry her for the money and stay unemployed. When you got the thing going with a girl, you should try to invite her home (when you parents aren't around) for "Hot Coffee", or whatever. She's still a teen (unless you did REALLY well), she doesn't have high requirements like dinners, or jewelry as a present, etc. You should, however, make out with her in public at any opportunity, especially when your friends are around, so that everyone knows you're... you're... I don't know what, but somehow they'll probably feel inferior. And they'll also be wondering if you two have sex. And that is priceless. It might also make you look like a jerk. Which is good if you're in for normal girls (see above). If you are a girl, you might ask : "Hey, does this part of the walkthrough also apply to me ?" . Well, of COURSE it does ! 3. About your parents Welcome to the part of life where it REALLY sucks to have parents. They will still act like if you're a child and ask you to be in bed at 10 PM. Parents will annoy regularly, looking at your grades and stuff. Ignore them. You're 14. You're a man. Or a woman. You have erections. Or menstruations. And they won't have them for long anymore. So you're actually MORE adult than them. See ? It makes sense. Never listen to any word they say. They're just jealous they can't date underage people. They will also forbid you to do stuff like drugs. Or maybe they will encourage you. That all depends on how lucky you are. 4. About Town The good thing about being a teenager is that you are a bit more free to explore your surroundings. The immediate surrounding that is, since you aren't allowed yet to leave the country (except if you aren't found out, so it's actually strongly encouraged). Here are a few activities that you can do in town -Procrastinate. -See ugly people. -Get mugged -Walk accidently on dog poo As you can see, it's really worth it, and should at least be experienced once. 5. About somehow, enjoying teenage years. Play videogames. 3.4 - BONUS CHAPTER : College ------------------------------ Normally, if you followed all my tips, you won't have to bear with this annoying level. If, for some reasons, after all you went through you STILL end up in college (because of being too good in sports if you happen to live in America), well, congrats ! you get to live carelessly for a couple more years. 3.4.1 : Getting your degree. Getting a degree is what you're officially here for. Of course, this is what you're going to explain to your parents. They're sooooo proud of their little one ! If you're lucky, you might even get a room/flat for free, thanks to tuition or your parent's help. What to keep in mind, is that NEVER EVER again in your life you'll get the opportunity to waste so much money that is not yours. It should therefore be enjoyed as much as possible. Of course, you actually MIGHT get your degree, which MIGHT get you a job, which is good, since it might avoid much grinding later on. But keep that in mind : "might." How to waste that money, you might ask. Well check below. 3.4.2 : Getting drunk. Get in BAR. Order BEER. Drink BEER. Puke. Repeat. I actually have no clue why, but you will find out that most college students love that. They have yet to provide an explanation, besides the fact they're college students (of course). Being drunk gives you bragging rights. Puking on someone even more so. Try to puke on someone you find very sexy, people will think : "That guy/girl is so cool he/she can afford puking on hotties like this.". 3.4.3 : Getting laid. In college, you still can get laid the "usual ways". However, there are other ways to do it that don't seem to be possible in other ports of the game. It's actually EASIER to get laid in college because, you'll find, every girl who goes to college is either a slut or an intellectual. The additional ways of getting laid involve... -Getting drunk : the success of which is actually random. If you get drunk often, sometimes, the unexpected happens and you will wake up in bed having done something. The problem is that there is no guarantee of the quality of your mate, nor, actually, the gender. -Sexual favors for homework : Everyone who has been to college knows that there are girls that will do it if you do their homework. This is the reason studies show that girls do better in college than guys, who fail because they are actually doing other people's homeworks. -Spring Break : Spring Break, in America, involves going to the beach where you drink beer and get laid. As I said, I'm European so I don't know much about this. Here, all we have is brothels. 3.4.4 : Getting out of college. Do all of the above, play videogames, and you should be out in no time ! You don't want to spend all your life having sex and drinking beer, do you ? 3.5 - CHAPTER 4 : Being an adult --------------------------------- Well. That's it. This chapter is the longest of the game. It is mostly uneventful, and very repetitive, but for some reason, they say it's the one that passes the fastest. Let's see what's so special about being an adult. 3.5.1 : Having a job. There's no escape this time. Unless of course you managed to marry the rich/intellectual girl. You need a job to get money. You need money to play WoW. That's about it. Finding a job depends on your degree a bit, and a lot on your luck. As explained above, send random letters to every company in the world, and one is bound to be incompetent enough to hire you. You have a job. How do you do it ? It's simple really. Stay where they ask you to be, and do the stuff they want you to do (it's at moments like that I realize this guide is simply a must-read). Most often, those things include : -Typing numbers in a computer : which you know how to do. -Procrastinating : which you also know how to do. -Answering phone calls : now, that may be a bit more tricky to you. Especially if you're reading this guide actually. The conversation technique is most often identical to real conversations. That means it sucks. So just answer that you "don't know" and hang up. Whatever they ask you. Sooner or later, you will get fired. This is NORMAL. Find another job/repeat explained above process until you reach PENSION. (see next chapter) 3.5.2 : Getting married (or not) A lot of people ask me : "should I get married or not ?". Well no you shouldn't, you shmuck, what are you even thinking ?! There are a couple of reasons to get married. First, the free sex. The sad thing is that after a few years you'll feel COMITTED to do else your wife/husband won't do its chores anymore (which he won't even do if he's a husband actually, so if you're a woman, do NOT marry. Marry only if you're a man.). The other reasons is the chores/housework that get done by someone else. But consider this : just because no one else does the housework/cleaning does mean you have to do it. Knowing this, there are no reason whatsoever to get married. IF, for whatever reason, you happen to get married, good luck. Try not to kill yourself in the first years, you'll get used to it. Try to maximize the advantages (get her to do as much as possible) and minimize the disadvantages (sex, after 20 years of marriage). This kind of strategy works better if you marry an ugly one, since she'll be so desperate so as not to leave you. Ugly women are the one to marry. As long as they're functional... 3.5.3 : Raising kids/pets. Here comes something else. "How do I make a baby ?" you might ask. It's easy : lie down. Sooner or later, your wife/husband will act weird, and a couple of days/weeks/years in that weirdness, he/she'll say "OMG WTF ! (or something to that effect) I'm pregnant !". "Wait !" you might retaliate "Do I need to get married to have kids ?" It helps a lot. Else, the game doesn't let you know you have kids, or let you know and make you pay for it. The question is : is it worthwile to get married just to have kids ? Well, kids are funny to watch. They grow up and stuff, and remind you of early stages of the game. Other than that, they're annoying and expensive. Only practical use is that they can do more chores/housework when they grow up. When they grow up even more, you'll be able to steal their girlfriends and have sex with them. They will blame you for it but they'll still love you, in the end, cause you're their father/mother. Ain't that sweet ? Having a pet is a bit like having a kid. Except they don't do chores, and it's not really funny to steal their girlfriends/boyfriends. Like kids, you can train them to attack people and fetch objects. Both animals/kids should, in fact, only be used for such purposes. 3.5.4 : Being bored. Q:Is it normal that I feel like I only do the same thing over and over again, and that there's no real point, and that I'm really bored ? A:Yes. 3.5 - CHAPTER 5 : Pension ------------------------- Pension is the final and easiest part of the game. It gives you freedom to do ABSOLUTELY everything you ever wanted to do. No one will blame you, since you're old, and people should respect their elders, for some awkward reason. Only thing to watch out for is young people : this time, you're the target ! You can still mug other old people though. Also, sex is not anymore an option. If it is, it won't stay for long. Enjoy while it lasts. Here are a couple of questions I get asked often about retirement & pension. Q: My [insert_random_bodypart] hurts. A: Yes,it's supposed to be that way. When it stops hurting , it means you're dead. Q: How do I have sex ? A: GEEZ ! I just explained that issue ! Can't you read the FAQ ? Q: I'm asking questions about stuff I should know about. A: Ah. You're "suffering" for Alzheimers. It's not that much a bad thing. There are three good things about Alzheimer. First, you'll meet new people everyday. Two, it's a world of permanent discovery. Three, it's a world of permanent discovery. Now where was I ? Oh yeah. Q: I can't wake up. U: CONGRATULATIONS ! You've completed the game. I know, the ending sucks, but hey, it was a fun ride ! Or not. If you don't know how to uninstall, don't worry, your family (or the government) will take care of it for you. What happens next ? you don't want to know. It's a bit yucky ! Just be glad it'll turn out to be environementally benefit again. Q:Can I start over a second time ? A:Depends on your religion. ======================================================================= 4 - EXTRA TIPS ======================================================================= -Avoid third world countries. There's no much money to be found, most of the chicks have aids, and it's also a place where you can easily get killed. -Sooner or later, newbies will ask for your help for random reasons. Help'em, they can be easily forced into giving you stuff in exchange. -Save often. I mean, for taxes. ======================================================================= 5 - RUMOURS ======================================================================= RUMOUR: Elvis is dead. I heard that if I go to the Shrine of the Ancients, kill the Ultimate Weapon, and collect all French stamps I can ressurect him. A: And how would you do that ? Elvis is dead, you can't ressurect him. RUMOUR:I hear this stuff about this "Paris Hilton" character. How do I have sex with her ? A:Make a lot of money, move to California. Wait for something to happen. RUMOUR:They say that if I vote for a left-wing political party the world will be happier. A:Whatever you decide to vote will not change things, since it's OTHER PEOPLE who decide anyway. Illusion of free choice, it's just so that the game feel a bit less linear than it is. RUMOUR:Something on TV tells me I gotta "catch all pokemon" A:It's an ingame advert for other games. I know, I hate it when they do that. RUMOUR:I hear this game has been designed by robots to make us happy while they steal our lifeforce. A:It's more likely than you think. Even so, who cares ? It's nothing to make a philosophical fuss about. RUMOUR:The author of this FAQ seriously needs to get a life. A: Oh, that one is actually true :D -Mickmils